Monday, April 26, 2010

In Your Head

I'm a bit lost right now. I discharged last thursday and I should be glad I'm gone but I'm not. I miss the girls so much and the place and just everything! Today I went to my new treatment center and I hate it. Well not really, that's a strong word, dislike it. All of the clients are older than me, as in their twenties and thirties and although I know I'm not going to be there for a long time and I only go for like 3 hours a day because I'm in the IOP program, it's still difficult. It's just odd. I have nothing against the people, they're all quite nice actually I just feel like I don't belong. So much is going on yet it isn't.

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I don't think I'll ever quite understand you. You revealed something personal to me today and I feel like this is the first time we've ever been on the same level. I realized you suffer just as any other human being. I guess I feel bad because all this time you actually cared, you actually understood even though I didn't think you did. Yeah, it's different. We're different. Our situtations are different but at the same time we're all the same. I just wish I could make you understand how much I appriecate what you shared with me. But how can words describe just emotion?
My emotions are conflicting. A part of me wants to hate you and laugh at you and say I knew it yet another part of me feels absolutely terrible for judging you and denying you, invalidating you. My head is like a war zone.

4 comments:

kittycat said...

beautiful photos!

blue eyed night owl said...

Hi,

I've done it again, somehow managing to miss so many posts, but I've read them now, about your ups and downs and everything.
I hope you'll still meet someone in the new center that you'll feel at home with. All it takes is one right? Just one person can make a difference. And if not here, find them elsewhere.

You might not feel happy right now, but I still want to congratulate you and let you know that I am very proud. I know I won't be able to imagine what's going on inside you right now, but I have faith in you that you will feel better and happier soon, because that's what you deserve.

Keep it up!

daisychain said...

I've been thinking of you, sending much love and hope your way x

Thelma said...

keep strong and don't give up hope. remember these wise words "Success is a journey, not a destination."-Ben Sweetland