Thursday, April 15, 2010

I'm Losing My Mind

It's not fair. Why can't I just be satisified? I am happy now. I feel alive again but so lost and confused. I'm more insecure about my body than ever. Sometimes I wish to go back. It's so much easier to run away. It's so much easier to shove it down. It's so much easier to purge my feelings. At least when I was numb I didn't have to deal with anything. I want to rid myself of the sin. Of the pain, or the sorrow. It's so much easier to say you want to recover when you're lying in a hospital bed; every bone in your body visible with a heart rate of 40. To be alone. To feel untouchable. To feel empowered. That false high; feeling anything is possible. Feeling in control. I know well enough I was out of control. My life was spiralling in a downwards circle, spinning out of control and falling deeper into a black hole. But I didn't care. I didn't see myself as falling. I felt higher than any human being. To have the ability to resist the very thing your body needs to survive made me think I was better than anyone else. When in reality I couldn't even eat because I was so afriad of food; once again the very thing that would keep me alive.

I know it's normal to feel these urges and to think these thoughts. My eating disorder will never go away, I'll struggle with it the rest of my life. But how do you deal with the constant war in your head? Of course I love recovery; the things it has done for me are things my eating disorder could never fullfill. But I almost felt like I loved myself more in my ED. I know that sounds twisted but it's so hard to accept my new body. I'm not meant to be model rain thin. And I absouletly hate that about myself.


And  you won't even talk to me. You won't even acknowledge I'm here anymore. I hate to admit it, but you're probably the only in the outside world that understands my situtation. Yet I hate you. I hate how I want you to talk to me. I hate how I feed off your attention. What is wrong with me? You're not what I want. You can't even respect me. Yet you pull me in. You infuriate me; your words are sharp and bitter on your tongue. I want to hurt you. But I'm not strong. I'm vulnerable, weak, and pathetic. Your attention encouraged me to starve, to purge every emotion I had. Of course I never told you; of course I resorted to myself. Of course I gave myself unto my ED and let her solve my problems. I didn't feel validated of the attention you gave to me so I felt frustrated when I recieved it yet I didn't want to let go. I feed off it. It's literally all I had aside from my eating disorder; which one way or the other always betrayed me. I hate you but you were right about everything you said about me.

8 comments:

daisychain said...

I wish I had some wise words, or comfort for you..but I don't because sometimes words fail. Just know you are stronger than you think x

Chelsea Nicole. said...

I'm here anytime you need to talk, and as the above comment stated, just know that you are so much stronger than you think you are.

xxoo

chloe said...

This made me so sad. If you ever need to talk, I'm here. Really. Just send me an email or whatever. I'll listen. (:

PinkBow said...

hope you're ok.

borderbasher said...

I hardly know what to say. I guess I could agree with you. But I also hope that you have a good support system to help you get through anything, in times when you can't handle it by yourself. stay strong!

Thelma said...

I've had issues with my body all of my life. Even when I was thinner I wanted to be smaller. I remember starving myself in high school and how weak I felt.
Now I eat, not to say I don't feel guilty sometimes after I had a fatting meal but I work out. So I try to balance it out.
All I can say is that you're not going to recover overnight. Take it one day at a time. I wish you well.

Adele said...

Great pics!
Adele,

moltacuriosa.blogspot.com

harps said...

Cassidy, I am glad you have written this post and gotten it all off your chest. I was looking for a more personal way to contact you, an email address, but I can't find one so I'll just say this here. I'll admit that I had become worried about your health, and I'm glad to see it is something you are addressing.
I know what it feels like to FEAR food. It is a ridiculous concept, the rational part of you knows that, but something inside you lets the fear win. I let the fear of food win and it destroyed my life, and left me as a shell of my former self. You are too young and beautiful to let this take you over, you don't have to struggle with this for the rest of your life...it is a slow process, but don't give up when you hit the first hurdle. Please know that you are not alone, that you are not crazy, and most importantly that you are a beautiful intelligent girl who can get through this. You are the one in control, not the ED.
Sending you a cyber hug, Jess xxxx