Monday, April 19, 2010

As We Dance The Sun Starts to Bleed

My discharge day is approaching rapidly. It's on thursday; it's so strange to think in this short time I've learned and accomplished so much. But I honestly don't know what to think. I'm going to miss the staff and the girls SO much. I've made the most amazing girls in the world here and I feel like we all share a special connection and bond. I don't want to leave this supportive, loving environment. God I never want to leave. I want to live in a little bubble forever! But I know that's not life. I know it can't be that way, and I accept that. Oh if only we could have what we want.

I know I'm ready for the world. I've made incredible progress. And I realized after processing what I wrote the other day, that I didn't love my body more. I hated it. I despised it. I abused it. I was so insecure about myself I resorted to self-destructive coping mechanisms. Sure, I don't love my body now, but I respect it. My body needs nourishment, it needs to be taken care of. It doesn't deserve to starve. It isn't meant to such things! Feeling comfortable in myself is one thing; which I feel like I've done great at. Just feeling comfortable in my own body is still what I need to work on. I don't miss the sorrow and pain that came along with my eating disorder. I don't miss the physical and mental numbness, the deprivation, and the wall I used to keep in my emotions.

I know this is a challenge. This isn't just going to "go away". I was out of control; I saw myself as having all the control in the world. I mean, I was able to resist food when it's the very thing your body needs to survive. I wanted everyone to see me as the girl who had everything together when reality I was the complete opposite. Inside, I died. Every relationship I had was secondary to my eating disorder. I didn't even bother to cover up my problem; everyone knew. I was sick, there's no doubt about that. I recall I rarely smiled. People would stare at me yet I never noticed. I'm pretty sure they talked as well but I was so wrapped up in myself I hardly ever heard. Something blocked my vision. It was like looking through a kaleidoscope. Everything I saw was twisted and warped. I was delusional. Reality was no longer real. I was living a lie. I was suffering but I didn't know what to do, I never wanted to deal with it, so I ran away. Turning to my eating disorder allowed me to control my life and my emotions.

But now I'm breaking free and honestly, it's hard. I don't remember the last time were I was constantly and obsessively thinking about food or weight or body image. I want it so bad but right now I just feel like I'm hitting a wall. I ..I just don't know. As of right now, I have no idea what the future holds.

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Before a thousand grasping hands

In a glaring light she stands
Trying hard to meet demands
Everybody’s girl
Defenseless more and more each time
Desecration is their crime
Vandalizing every rhyme
Everybody’s pet
Becoming someone else outside
Hoping to protect and hide
What they smile at, then deride
Everybody’s fool
Awaiting still some unknown sign
When she’ll use her chance to shine
How should she her life define?
“No one’s woman yet.”

Everybody's Girl by Emilie Autumn


Thank you for all your amazingly wonderful comment; I cried. Yes, I'm a dork. But I was so touched! I really do have the best readers in the whole world; I'm sure without you guys I'd actually go insane.

<3

4 comments:

Chelsea Nicole. said...

i am so proud of you for being strong enough to go through all of this. i look forward to more posts about your recovery! remember, take it one day at a time, because all we have now is the present.

ps-smile, you're beautiful lady!

xxoo

chelsea

daisychain said...

I'm incredibly proud of you. Just day it moment by moment for now xx

chaoskontrolowany said...

Lovely!

chloe said...

You should be so proud of yourself. Heck, I'M proud of you. Also, lovely photos.