I just want to be free.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
With or without the hair? I can't decide which one I like better..
I honestly have nothing better to do with my time.
Monday, April 26, 2010
I'm a bit lost right now. I discharged last thursday and I should be glad I'm gone but I'm not. I miss the girls so much and the place and just everything! Today I went to my new treatment center and I hate it. Well not really, that's a strong word, dislike it. All of the clients are older than me, as in their twenties and thirties and although I know I'm not going to be there for a long time and I only go for like 3 hours a day because I'm in the IOP program, it's still difficult. It's just odd. I have nothing against the people, they're all quite nice actually I just feel like I don't belong. So much is going on yet it isn't.
I don't think I'll ever quite understand you. You revealed something personal to me today and I feel like this is the first time we've ever been on the same level. I realized you suffer just as any other human being. I guess I feel bad because all this time you actually cared, you actually understood even though I didn't think you did. Yeah, it's different. We're different. Our situtations are different but at the same time we're all the same. I just wish I could make you understand how much I appriecate what you shared with me. But how can words describe just emotion?
My emotions are conflicting. A part of me wants to hate you and laugh at you and say I knew it yet another part of me feels absolutely terrible for judging you and denying you, invalidating you. My head is like a war zone.
Monday, April 19, 2010
My discharge day is approaching rapidly. It's on thursday; it's so strange to think in this short time I've learned and accomplished so much. But I honestly don't know what to think. I'm going to miss the staff and the girls SO much. I've made the most amazing girls in the world here and I feel like we all share a special connection and bond. I don't want to leave this supportive, loving environment. God I never want to leave. I want to live in a little bubble forever! But I know that's not life. I know it can't be that way, and I accept that. Oh if only we could have what we want.
I know I'm ready for the world. I've made incredible progress. And I realized after processing what I wrote the other day, that I didn't love my body more. I hated it. I despised it. I abused it. I was so insecure about myself I resorted to self-destructive coping mechanisms. Sure, I don't love my body now, but I respect it. My body needs nourishment, it needs to be taken care of. It doesn't deserve to starve. It isn't meant to such things! Feeling comfortable in myself is one thing; which I feel like I've done great at. Just feeling comfortable in my own body is still what I need to work on. I don't miss the sorrow and pain that came along with my eating disorder. I don't miss the physical and mental numbness, the deprivation, and the wall I used to keep in my emotions.
I know this is a challenge. This isn't just going to "go away". I was out of control; I saw myself as having all the control in the world. I mean, I was able to resist food when it's the very thing your body needs to survive. I wanted everyone to see me as the girl who had everything together when reality I was the complete opposite. Inside, I died. Every relationship I had was secondary to my eating disorder. I didn't even bother to cover up my problem; everyone knew. I was sick, there's no doubt about that. I recall I rarely smiled. People would stare at me yet I never noticed. I'm pretty sure they talked as well but I was so wrapped up in myself I hardly ever heard. Something blocked my vision. It was like looking through a kaleidoscope. Everything I saw was twisted and warped. I was delusional. Reality was no longer real. I was living a lie. I was suffering but I didn't know what to do, I never wanted to deal with it, so I ran away. Turning to my eating disorder allowed me to control my life and my emotions.
But now I'm breaking free and honestly, it's hard. I don't remember the last time were I was constantly and obsessively thinking about food or weight or body image. I want it so bad but right now I just feel like I'm hitting a wall. I ..I just don't know. As of right now, I have no idea what the future holds.
Before a thousand grasping hands
In a glaring light she stands
Trying hard to meet demands
Defenseless more and more each time
Desecration is their crime
Vandalizing every rhyme
Becoming someone else outside
Hoping to protect and hide
What they smile at, then deride
Awaiting still some unknown sign
When she’ll use her chance to shine
How should she her life define?
“No one’s woman yet.”
Everybody's Girl by Emilie Autumn
Thank you for all your amazingly wonderful comment; I cried. Yes, I'm a dork. But I was so touched! I really do have the best readers in the whole world; I'm sure without you guys I'd actually go insane.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
It's not fair. Why can't I just be satisified? I am happy now. I feel alive again but so lost and confused. I'm more insecure about my body than ever. Sometimes I wish to go back. It's so much easier to run away. It's so much easier to shove it down. It's so much easier to purge my feelings. At least when I was numb I didn't have to deal with anything. I want to rid myself of the sin. Of the pain, or the sorrow. It's so much easier to say you want to recover when you're lying in a hospital bed; every bone in your body visible with a heart rate of 40. To be alone. To feel untouchable. To feel empowered. That false high; feeling anything is possible. Feeling in control. I know well enough I was out of control. My life was spiralling in a downwards circle, spinning out of control and falling deeper into a black hole. But I didn't care. I didn't see myself as falling. I felt higher than any human being. To have the ability to resist the very thing your body needs to survive made me think I was better than anyone else. When in reality I couldn't even eat because I was so afriad of food; once again the very thing that would keep me alive.
I know it's normal to feel these urges and to think these thoughts. My eating disorder will never go away, I'll struggle with it the rest of my life. But how do you deal with the constant war in your head? Of course I love recovery; the things it has done for me are things my eating disorder could never fullfill. But I almost felt like I loved myself more in my ED. I know that sounds twisted but it's so hard to accept my new body. I'm not meant to be model rain thin. And I absouletly hate that about myself.
And you won't even talk to me. You won't even acknowledge I'm here anymore. I hate to admit it, but you're probably the only in the outside world that understands my situtation. Yet I hate you. I hate how I want you to talk to me. I hate how I feed off your attention. What is wrong with me? You're not what I want. You can't even respect me. Yet you pull me in. You infuriate me; your words are sharp and bitter on your tongue. I want to hurt you. But I'm not strong. I'm vulnerable, weak, and pathetic. Your attention encouraged me to starve, to purge every emotion I had. Of course I never told you; of course I resorted to myself. Of course I gave myself unto my ED and let her solve my problems. I didn't feel validated of the attention you gave to me so I felt frustrated when I recieved it yet I didn't want to let go. I feed off it. It's literally all I had aside from my eating disorder; which one way or the other always betrayed me. I hate you but you were right about everything you said about me.