Friday, December 31, 2010

Please, Be Strong

With 2011 quickly approaching, I realize how eventful 2010 was. In retrospect, my life compared to now is so dramatically different. I thought it would be interesting to construct a list of a lot of the key events that happened in 2010. (This is a really fucking long post, so brace yourself).
(Photos taken by Nikki on Christmas Eve, click on the picture)
  • Treatment and recovery; I have completely altered my life by accepting and embracing recovery from my eating disorder. It shaped my character, changed and bettered my perspective, and gave me insight I had never possessed before. The ugly, resilient, stubborn person my anorexia transformed me into is so distant. It's surreal to think I could ever be so critical of myself and other people, mean, uncompassionate, and not satisfied. Some qualities that were exacerbated in my sickness are still with me, such as my perfectionism and my determined and ambitious nature, however they are just not as extreme.
  • Meeting new, life-long friends; in treatment, I met the most amazing people who I still continue to maintain a relationship with to this day. I also found my lost-long sister, Kalaija. If you have been a longer-time follower of my blog, you'll know her for I often talk of her and post our photography collaborations. During the summer, she visited me in California and I visited her in Oregon (how ironic that the best of friends are separated my hundreds of miles). She is one of the best friends I've ever had. I love you sissy. My recovery has also strengthened the friendships I had beforehand and I spend more time with them for I no longer isolate myself.
  • I've had a lot of transitions in regards to school and where I lived. When I was admitted to treatment, I lived there for a little over a month before I was on partial (meaning I went home to sleep and to treatment during most of the day). I decided to stop living at my dad's house--my parents are divorced and I used to switch houses--because I felt isolated from most of my friends. I couldn't go to my traditional high school when I was in inpatient care so I had to do a charter school which required little effort compared to my stimulating and demanding honor courses I was accustomed to. Upon leaving my first treatment center and transferring to another, I began an independent study program where I would go to the school about once a week to take a test (I would do all the course work online). I successfully completed my second semester of freshman year a little over a month before my friends did. I am currently attending my original high school.
  • Being able to experience life without any restraints or limitations. (I've noticed a lot of the monumental events of this year have been related to recovery from my eating disorder so bear with me, for it has made a huge impact on my life). I've done so many new things, such as visiting places I've never been, eating at restaurants, going on lovely adventures with my friends and family, ect. I love my life as it is now.
  • I had the best summer of my life. I cannot recall a summer where I wasn't burdened with my disordered eating habits and tendency to isolate myself because I felt inadequate. I traveled, discovered my passion for photography, had new experiences, met new people, and did an assortment of crazy, bizarre things.
  • Discovered my affinity for Star Wars. Changed my life. I'm honestly not even joking.
  • Rediscovering myself. I'm trying to figure out who I really am. What I like, what I want to do with my life, who are the people I want to surround myself with, ect. I'm reconnecting with art, fashion, music, writing, photographing, reading- my passions.
  • Finally, I'm beginning to accept myself and my life for what it is. I have lost everything. Because of that, I no longer take for granted what I have and I appreciate every aspect, even if it's negative. I'm not an optimist, but there's no point in being a pessimist when life is so full of wonders and beauty.
I have created a video with my memories of 2010 (happy memories mind you, I have decided not to put pictures from pre-treatment). It's long, but it's basically the epitome of the happiest times of the year :)
Now, for my goals for 2011. They're rather vague and some of them will probably not be accomplished by the end of next year (they're on-going life goals), but here they are:

-Continue to maintain recovery (Probably the biggest and most important.)

-Be nicer; compliment people, be respectful, compassionate. Ask questions/show interest in other people and their passions/hobbies/ect. People get the wrong idea of me. I'm introverted and sometimes shy when I'm in positions where I don't really know people, making me rather unapproachable and seem aloof. However, that's not the case at all. I have social anxiety that I'm trying to work through and I hate it. I hate being misperceived. This doesn't mean being best friends with everybody but simply being more interactive. I can't keep hiding. I have to learn to let go and not care about people's judgment.

-Get a job and save, save, save. I'm turning 16 on January 11th. :)

-Continue to do art- draw, photography, blog, ect.

-Learn to paint. I'm awful at painting. I got really nice paint brushes and acrylic paint last year for Christmas and I haven't even used them!

-Learn to love myself; self-security and confidence. This is a goal I probably have to work on throughout my entire life. I may never be 100% confident and comfortable with myself but if I can at least get to 95%, that would be good enough for me.

-Write and read more. I'm going to put aside time for things I love to do even though school and homework are both pretty time consuming.

-Pursue what I love and disregard those who try to stop me or mock me. I'm pretty good about this but I know I can be better. Sometimes, I feel ashamed of the things I love. Like Star Wars. I've already gotten shit about my affinity for my nerdy obsession from my friends. I'm sure there will be people who will always judge me, no matter what. But I don't even want to care anymore.

-Get back into fashion/sewing/designing. I've already slowly eased myself back into the fashion world and I have been designing a lot lately. I need to start my sewing classes again. I haven't taken them since I left for treatment.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

It's Broken I Don't Want To Play

Perhaps I exaggerate. Perhaps I glamorize it all- for we were both ill.

weekend getaway
* 204
rose bow brooch.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Slow Like Honey

I hope you all had a lovely Christmas! On Christmas Eve, I went to my uncle's house (he lives on the beach) and celebrated with my dad and brother. On Christmas, I went back to my mom's house and celebrated with her. I pretty much got only money and some star wars stuff (hehe). The day afterwards, I went shopping with two of my friends at Forever 21 (I'll post what I bought later). I don't want this break to ever end. It's been so relaxing and nice. In retrospect, I realize how wonderful my life is now compared to what I was doing last year.

First two pictures are by Nikki. The rest by me. Visit my flickr :)

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Silver Bells

Merry Christmas!
I hate Chewbacca. But I found this suitable.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

I Walk A Little Faster

Even though I'm enjoying break and time off from school, I still feel like I could be doing so much more. After six days of rain, I'm growing restless and bored. I need to get out and do things before I am driven mad. Today I plan to go thrifting with my dear Nikki.

The first five pictures were taken by Nikki, she got a new film camera! Click on her photos to go to it's original source :) The rest are by me. Also to clarify, I am the red head, Olivia is the blonde, and Nikki is the other pair of legs haha.

Star Wars Addiction
Stormtrooper Love
Girl 1
Liquid Gold

Sunday, December 19, 2010

The Rest Is Rust And Stardust

"Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. Lo-lee-ta: the tip of the tongue taking a trip of three steps down the palate to tap, at three, on the teeth. Lo. Lee. Ta. She was Lo, plain Lo, in the morning, standing four feet ten in one sock. She was Lola in slacks. She was Dolly at school. She was Dolores on the dotted line. But in my arms she was always Lolita. Did she have a precursor? She did, indeed she did. In point of fact, there might have been no Lolita at all had I not loved, one summer, an initial girl-child. In a princedom by the sea. Oh when? About as many years before Lolita was born as my age was that summer. You can always count on a murderer for a fancy prose style. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, exhibit number one is what the seraphs, the misinformed, simple, noble-winged seraphs, envied. Look at this tangle of thorns." - Vladimir Nabokov (Lolita)

I'm reading the book Lolita. It's the most beautiful book I've ever read.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Wild Eyes

My second roll of film with my yashica. Not as good as the first one but every picture I take renews my love for this old little film camera. (Some pictures link back to my flickr)