Thursday, May 19, 2011

For I Am The Way

          “Riots not Diets”. That phrase has been echoing inside of my head ever since I started to get in touch with my “riot girl” roots. Last Friday, a rather insignificant event evoked this peculiar rage that I have suppressed inside. I am not an angry person by any means; usually when I’m mad, it doesn't manifest itself into screaming or violent fits. I am the secret brewer who remembers and never forgets. When I am irritated, I am passive and controlled (of course, there are exceptional events where I might not react in this way). I acknowledge that I have a subliminal tendency to bear grudges. I express my emotions through various forms of art whether it be drawing, writing, or music. I always find a way to vent.
          My recovery has nurtured the seedling inside my soul into a blossoming floweret. I feel I have a pretty acute awareness and understanding of who I am and what I like. As the school year comes to a close, I cannot help but think how far I have come since the beginning of the year. Some of my main goals for Sophomore year was to acquire more confidence, be more gregarious with my peers, and focus on my studies. While there is always room for improvement, I believe I have achieved more than what I ever imagined. I wish I could adopt the mindset I had when I first started recovery so I could accurately reflect on everything I have accomplished.
          I am! I simply am. And I’m so lucky and grateful to be alive. Each morning as the sun filtrates into my windows, my heart swells with jovial delight. Beauty lies within even the most obscure objects. I adore the thin slivers of golden rays that dance upon my typewriter in the morning. I love the way the world glitters as the sun shifts its positions throughout the day. I possess an infatuation with peculiar objects, artistic cinema, and books. If only you could experience what it was like to live in the chiaroscuro world of an eating disorder. I was balanced on a trapeze rope; coquetting with the apathy of death while tenuously adhering to the hope of life. The turmoil associated with yearning for eternal sleep yet fighting for the right of survival destroyed everything in my world. I was a gaping abyss devoid of any mirth or vivacity.
          When that hazardous balance begins to shift, you grope desperately in the darkness for something to grasp onto. Even as I lied in the wake of my destruction and reveled in the accomplishment I associated with my demise, I still fought for the little I had. I managed to acquire enough willpower and strength to lift myself out of the ashes and drag my cadaverous spirit towards whatever lay on the other side of my skewed world. Initially, I was dubious; I tread carefully and struggled to trust those who claimed they could help me. Before my hospital scare, there was no life beyond what I had. Those without eating disorders lived in another Universe. I had successfully alienated myself.
          Through my tribulations, I destroyed the iron cage wrapped around my mind and shed my sallow skin. I emerged victorious. I triumphed the evil that had wretched my heart and skewed my perception. The excruciating pain was alleviated through laughter, tenderness, and therapy. My threadlike hair grew thick and lustrous as my skin grew rosy and smooth. I was no longer skin stretched over bone; I was healthy, my cheeks were rosy, and my painted lips were always upturned. I loved and loved until I quivered and quaked. Everything was so beautiful. I began to feel everything so deeply and fiercely that I could barely contain myself.
          Since that day, my love and passion for living has grown. I see myself for who I am everyday as I look in the mirror. I am a feminist. I am a liberal. I am an artist. I am a writer. I am whoever I wish to be. Now, I realize I have shifted my train of thought from one thing to another and so I wish to address what I initially intended on saying. Perfection is merely something that only exists figuratively. I have tried to obtain it and I ultimately failed. With this knowledge, I have accepted my lot in life. I have embraced what I have and what I am. And this, for me, is the greatest accomplishment.
          “Riots not Diets”. Chant it within your head. Enlighten others with it. It should be looked down upon to criticize and punish yourself for being who you are. Because god dammit, you are. Simply are. The revolution that will destroy self-hatred starts with acceptance. Love and cherish yourself. And as one, all girls shall unite to destroy female stereotypes, gender standards, dieting, hateful names, discrimination, and misogyny.
          My darlings, my fellow females, you possess the power to rule the world.

romantique

19 comments:

The Many Colours of Happiness said...

Wow. This struck such a chord with me. I too suffered from an eating disorder in college, to the point that it became life threatening. The way you described both the suffering and recovery process was perfect. Absolutely perfect.

misslikey said...

Cassidy I admire you so much. This was very inspiring. The way you described your happiness for the little things is beautiful. And I feel the same for every little tiny ray of light. And I am sometimes happy because seeing the "dark side" in my case taught me how to appreciate the beauty of this life.
Have a lovely weekend!

emily-kallista said...

beautiful post... you're an amazing writer :) so glad you can share it with us all now x

Casie Jean said...

this was just wonderful. thank you for sharing it xxx

Lynn {hearted girl} said...

you are quite a writer lades! omgosh, what a stunning post, it touches me deeply.

one of my best friends suffered from bulimia and has been on a bumpy, road rashed recovery. i love her dearly and will be sharing this with her, i think she'd get a lot out of it too.

she, like you, has triumphed. strong and brave you both are. inside her lower lip she had tattooed the word "delight" to symbolize that everything passing inside was to be delighted in.

many blessings to you. ♥

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Krystal said...

wow, first, you're writing - i just love. and 2nd, that is such a journey....

Ashley said...

You are quite a wonderful writer! Thank you for sharing this story...you are amazing.

Fransisca Angela said...

thank you for sharing with us! I always love your writing

Felix Curds said...

'WOW' is most certainly the word for this post.

yiqin; said...

awesome post.

Maddie M. said...

" “Riots not Diets”. Chant it within your head. Enlighten others with it. It should be looked down upon to criticize and punish yourself for being who you are. Because god dammit, you are. Simply are. The revolution that will destroy self-hatred starts with acceptance. Love and cherish yourself. And as one, all girls shall unite to destroy female stereotypes, gender standards, dieting, hateful names, discrimination, and misogyny.
My darlings, my fellow females, you possess the power to rule the world."

Golden.
This is absolutely beautiful.. You are such a stunning writer and I loved every word.

I am back for the summer, hooray!
xx Maddie

the runaway romantique said...

This is such a beautiful post. It hit a deep chord within me, having suffered from cutting and eating disorder. Your words breathe inspiration. Do stay strong and keep living life each day as a whirlwind of joy. Many hugs <3

- the runaway

Ella said...

your writing is really so eloquent....you capture a though so elegantly, cassidy :)

Rand T said...

"I am the secret brewer who remembers and never forgets." this is so like me love the post xx

Sia Jane said...

This was so beautifully articulated.
Thank you so much for sharing xxxxxxx

M.A. said...

this was beautiful, you are an amazing writer... thank
you for sharing it with all of us!

twice-asnice.blogspot.com

Haylee said...

Beautiful words Cassidy. You have a way of describing experiences like no one else I know. You seriously are so ridiculously talented with your writing, photography, and everything you do. You amaze me girl.

harps said...

Hello beautiful, you have no idea how happy it makes me feel to see you looking healthy and gorgeous and writing such uplifting words. You've progressed so much in such a short amount of time. Keep going xx