Tuesday, November 2, 2010

You're The Nicest Thing I've Ever Seen

I haven't been entirely honest with everyone. I've been struggling with ED behaviors/thoughts and been denying my relapse for about 5 weeks now. I didn't intend to go that far. It started out as "innocent". But I know well that my ED is anything but innocent. I'm trying to withdraw from these behavior before I become too dependent and spiral back into that abyss which I had fallen into before. I admitted my secret to my friends and family and have made my therapy and nutrionist appointments more frequent. I realize I don't want to do this again. I don't want to continue to fight a battle that is impossible to fine. I no longer want to fight the inevitable or who I'm supposed to be. I just want to move on, accept myself, and be happy. I want freedom and self-acceptance. I want to look at myself and feel beautiful and comfortable in my own skin. And that's impossible when I'm abusing my body. No matter how much more "secure" or "confident" I may feel at my ideal weight, I know it's fake. I don't want to live a lie like I did before. It's so easy to get lost but so hard to find your way back.
I wish it was easy to just accept that this is who I am and be done with it. I wish shopping and wearing certain clothes wasn't so hard. I wish I had high self-esteem and I wish I just didn't give a fuck about how people percieve me. But it's not. And I've accepted that. Sometimes I wish I was just a normal teenager. Not concerned with weight, who's diet could be a bit more nutritional, and someone who's never cared about calories or had food judgements. I realize my life would be completely different and that I'd never have this insight on myself as well as the world and I would never have met the people that I met in treatment who have changed my life. But still. I wonder sometimes.

I realize there is an endless list of things I have yet to do, to achieve, and to see. There are so many people I haven't met yet. So many friendships and relationships I haven't expierenced. I've never had a job. I don't have my license yet. I've never been out of the country. I've never been to San Fransico, Paris, New York, Paris, or London. I want to do and accomplish so much. And I have an entire lifespan to do it. Why should I give up now? I'm not even half way there. I'm not even a quarter there! I want to feel every aspect of this world. I want to feel so happy that my limbs feel light and my ribs are about to explode from euphoria. I want to scream to the universe and feel the breath escape from my lungs. I want to love. I want to conquer the world. I want to feel every emotion and travel around the world and I don't care if I don't have anything. I'll sell all my possessions and only carry around a suitcase full of clothes and drive a beat-up VW bus. And when I'm ready to settle down, I'll live in a tiny cottage in the countryside or perhaps a cozy two bedroom apartment. I'm seduced by the promises and expierences that life has to offer.  

I no longer want to just exist. Not when I can see all the opportunities that are right in front of me.


Courtney K. said...

This is beautiful. I think that we all struggle with our image and our weight sometimes. Sometimes we can be completely irrational with ourselves and have expectations that we can't even explain because there is no way to tell anyone how much you want something that you shouldn't want.
I am fighting for you. All the time. I think you're beautiful, if that counts for anything. Xoxo.

Maddie M. said...

This is so incredibly inspiring. Honestly Cassidy, you're one of the most intelligent and emotionally in-touch people I have ever met. I was so relieved when you told me, that you felt you could trust me with that. We're all behind you in this battle, and I know you can do it. I know you can get through this. You are absolutely beautiful, truly, and one of my very best friends. I love you, kid.

thesydneygirl said...

Good luck in my giveaway x

Meow Meow said...

Oh Cassidy! Beautiful words and beautiful pictures.
I can totally relate to what you're saying, but you're so right - there is so much time, so much more life left so it's never too late to change. Sounds as though you really know what you want but are struggling to get there... gah, i can relate to that!

Have you read 'battlefield of the mind"?

Fashionaddict wanna be freebird said...

Very special and beautifull pictures! There is a mysterious atmosphere in your photos.


daisychain said...

you can beat this beautiful x

Naka said...

stay strong please :)
Everything will work out keep being positive ^^ You plans sound amazing and wonderful, having a life free of boundries is everyones dream i think :)

and beautiful photos :)

The Breakfast Lover said...

Ey! isnt that the title of Kate Nash song?? i love! i use to listenet when i started dating my boyfriend :)
I really like your pictures they are so magic!!
are they yours?

Panda said...

I read this, like, 14 times. Your very inspiring. These photos are beautiful as well. Sigh. Dreamy.
Thanks for the sweet sweet comment, lovely! I just did a new post too.
Panda xo

Miss Woody said...

lovely pictures !

KcomeKarolina said...

love your header!
keep being positive!

i just bumped into your blog! love it!


/there's a GIVE_AWAY on my blog/

Julia said...

Just being able of writing down your feelings this way is huge, I admire you. Try to enjoy life:)

rainboy said...

//I no longer want to just exist. Not when I can see all the opportunities that are right in front of me.//

heartfelt :D
beautiful post :)

Isquisofrenia said...

i was actually reading your posts, i usually cant read long posts like this but it was interesting
i tend to be very add when it comes to text

¶ Michelle said...

Beautiful post sweety, It's perfectly natural for people to go through things like these, I myself for one but it gets easier for us and darling you are beautiful no matter what :)


Luna said...

those photos are AMAZING! new follower here, hope ya can follow me back.xo

Anonymous said...

It's incredible, this shoot is amazing. I love it !

la mì said...

wow this post...I love your blog...my name's martina and I come from Italy...I would like you visit my blog and if you want...follow me!I wait you and your tips...kiss kiss ^^

valncami said...

beautiful photography! i love your blog. we should follow each other :]

& thank you for visiting our blog & leaving a comment!!

xo, camilla & valerie