You're The Nicest Thing I've Ever Seen

I haven't been entirely honest with everyone. I've been struggling with ED behaviors/thoughts and been denying my relapse for about 5 weeks now. I didn't intend to go that far. It started out as "innocent". But I know well that my ED is anything but innocent. I'm trying to withdraw from these behavior before I become too dependent and spiral back into that abyss which I had fallen into before. I admitted my secret to my friends and family and have made my therapy and nutrionist appointments more frequent. I realize I don't want to do this again. I don't want to continue to fight a battle that is impossible to fine. I no longer want to fight the inevitable or who I'm supposed to be. I just want to move on, accept myself, and be happy. I want freedom and self-acceptance. I want to look at myself and feel beautiful and comfortable in my own skin. And that's impossible when I'm abusing my body. No matter how much more "secure" or "confident" I may feel at my ideal weight, I know it's fake. I don't want to live a lie like I did before. It's so easy to get lost but so hard to find your way back.

I wish it was easy to just accept that this is who I am and be done with it. I wish shopping and wearing certain clothes wasn't so hard. I wish I had high self-esteem and I wish I just didn't give a fuck about how people percieve me. But it's not. And I've accepted that. Sometimes I wish I was just a normal teenager. Not concerned with weight, who's diet could be a bit more nutritional, and someone who's never cared about calories or had food judgements. I realize my life would be completely different and that I'd never have this insight on myself as well as the world and I would never have met the people that I met in treatment who have changed my life. But still. I wonder sometimes.

I realize there is an endless list of things I have yet to do, to achieve, and to see. There are so many people I haven't met yet. So many friendships and relationships I haven't expierenced. I've never had a job. I don't have my license yet. I've never been out of the country. I've never been to San Fransico, Paris, New York, Paris, or London. I want to do and accomplish so much. And I have an entire lifespan to do it. Why should I give up now? I'm not even half way there. I'm not even a quarter there! I want to feel every aspect of this world. I want to feel so happy that my limbs feel light and my ribs are about to explode from euphoria. I want to scream to the universe and feel the breath escape from my lungs. I want to love. I want to conquer the world. I want to feel every emotion and travel around the world and I don't care if I don't have anything. I'll sell all my possessions and only carry around a suitcase full of clothes and drive a beat-up VW bus. And when I'm ready to settle down, I'll live in a tiny cottage in the countryside or perhaps a cozy two bedroom apartment. I'm seduced by the promises and expierences that life has to offer.  

I no longer want to just exist. Not when I can see all the opportunities that are right in front of me.