This Charming Man

Today I lied on a cliff and stared at the night sky while listening to the Smiths. The autumn air penetrated my thin layer of clothes and at that moment, I experienced the profound feeling of being alive. My belly was full of nurturing food and my head was full with thoughts of the lovely adventures of my day. It dawned upon me how fortunate I am to be here on this beautiful Earth amongst loving friends and pleasant circumstances. Oh how the minimalist pleasure of life bring me joy. I may be young and untouched by the “horrors” of reality, but I know that this is how it’s supposed to be.

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Siren

          I've always been strangely infatuated with the sea. Whenever I’m near it, I experience such a profound feeling of calmness and peace. I love the mysterious aura it has. I guess I love it so much because it’s existence is an ineffable concept to me; it’s enormous mass baffles me. If I were to ever commit suicide (I don’t plan to but I do dwell on the “what ifs” sometimes) I would most likely do it by drowning. That inclination I feel towards the sea would overcome me and I wouldn’t be able to resist it’s seductive lull. If I had to end it all, the most fulfilling way would be to be enveloped by the thing I love most.

          I recently learned that the ocean symbolizes the soul in literature. Why couldn’t I discern that before? It makes sense though. Whenever I’m by the seaside, I feel more in touch with my emotions and self. I wish I had enough time to spend days at the beach just reading and writing and dreaming. Living by the coast in California, beach culture is incredibly prominent. I don’t care for the bleach blonde surfers at all and the casual fashion disgusts me. I don’t like swimming because I don’t think it’s fun to prance around in my swimsuit in a public place. But as I took pictures of Joy while standing in the waves clad in only a dress, it was such a magnificent experience. It was one of those moments where I felt alive and more aware of my body. Those fleeting moments are those that stay with me forever. With everything going on in my life, I sometimes become apathetic and indifferent and so that’s why it’s so thrilling to wad into the ocean while garbed in everyday clothing. 

          I could feel the freezing water splashing around my waist and the slight breeze against my cheek. I heard music in my head. I heard the sound of distant violins and a melancholic piano piece. I heard the seagulls cry and the waves lap against the short. I felt the sand suction my feet. I felt numb from the cold but alive with spirit and adventure. I felt all of this and was still able to laugh at the ridiculousness of the entire situation. As Joy complained about having to lie in the freezing cold water, my lungs vibrated with fits of mirth. It was such a beautiful day, probably one of the most beautiful days of my short life.

These pictures are not of me. They're of my friend Joy. People still think she's me and it's rather irritating considering I've made it a point that it's not me.

I Hear the Sound of Mandolins

          Sometimes if I stare at my reflection long enough, I began to contemplate the strangeness that I am alive with a personality and thoughts and feelings and pain and a background and inclinations and dreams. The more I dwell on it, the stranger and more mysterious the idea becomes. I cannot grasp the human condition. No matter how much awareness and insight I possess on the nature and history of humanity, it will always be an ineffable subject without an explanation. The concept of human nature, purpose, and creation is so vague and elusive that it becomes impossible to ruminate over for long periods of time. I find myself confused yet strangely curious whenever I think of such abstract ideas. 
          These reflections often incite more unanswerable questions about humans as well as myself. Who am I? I feel as if that is a question that is impossible to answer. I realize that I have such a limited understanding of myself because I haven’t experienced every circumstance that exists. Although in the past, I have struggled with addiction and self-destructive tendencies, my pain sometimes seems inadequate in comparison to the suffering of the people who experienced the most horrific, shameful, and abominable events of human history. When I think about the Holocaust, the oppression of people throughout history, slavery, war, genocides, massacres, starvation, and poverty, I experience such a profound feeling of despair, sympathy, and helplessness. It’s such a powerful feeling that all I can do is weep and question the motives of those who have inflicted pain upon other humans who are, and had always been, their equals. This is one of the reasons why I disagree adamantly with war. Every time I watch a movie or read a book about a particular war, I am horrified by the desensitization of people who glorify violence and killing. It’s hard for me to watch people die. I try to imagine myself in a war zone. I would witness people dying before my eyes. I would see mass destruction, suffering, and death. It would absolutely destroy me and transform me into a hollow apathetic shell of my former self.

          Perhaps I am distressed by this concept because I am a person that feels everything so intensely and passionately. I am naturally inclined to see the good in people. In many ways, this is a flaw because I truly believe that everyone possesses an intrinsic goodness; even those who have murdered, plundered, and caused pain to others. It’s difficult for me to accept that the most notorious and horrible people in history did not possess a small sliver of compassion and remorse. There are those who become so consumed with destructive and terrible motives and emotions that they began to disregard the natural human inclination to be kind and sympathetic. I am not justifying the actions of those who have been labeled as “horrible” people. I am offering a new perspective on those that make poor decisions and cause pain. 

          I will never understand it. That strangely offers me solace. For I predict that if I were ever to learn the truth, it might destroy me.

These photos are not mine. Click on them to be linked back to their original source.

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