I'm Paying With My Life

I'm writing a book.

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I'm Your Ch-Ch-Cherry Bomb

I feel like our society needs to a wake up call. A revolution in fashion, art, music, and attitude. I feel stuck. Stuck where I am and with my age. I'm bursting with all these ideas and creativity and passion yet I feel limited and lost when it comes to channeling those feelings. I want to shock the world, be profound. I want people to be appaled with my work and my lifestyle. And my clothes and my language and my actions. I want to be surrounded by wonderful, free spirits who live and breath art. I want to not care about money but to live. To actually live and feel. I wish to feel every aspect of my passions and I want them to explode onto my work and my life.

I want something greater than this life. I want to be a part of something big. Something life-changing. Sometime that will impact our society and our future. I look upon people like Twiggy, The Beatles, Edie Sedgwick and Andy Warhol, and Joan Jett and the Runaways and cannot help but admire their bravery and the impact they've made on pop culture and art. I crave for that kind of lifestyle. Art isn't what I live for. It's what I am. What my body and mind is composed of. Taking art from me would be the same as taking life from me.

I want a fucking revolution.

The current popular pop culture is boring and bland. It's repetitive and composed of recycled ideas. I want something new and fresh. Better yet, I want to be a part of it. I don't care about fame or money. If I'm ever to be famous, I want it to be for something I did. But where to start? I'm not going to think, I'm going to do.

Who's with me?

I Just Love You More

I decided that I'm not going to cae anymore. I'm not going to avoid change. I'm going to sell/give away all my shit and start anew. For a while, I've been avoiding fashion and shopping because of my insecurity with my body. But I don't care anymore. I love fashion. It'd be stupid to stop buying/wearing fashionable clothes just because I don't feel totally comfortable with my body. I'm tired of this same routine. I want to dye my hair again and paint my nails new colors every weak. I want spontaneity. I want red lips and flower cardigans, lace and feathers, and cat eyeliner.

I'm going shopping tomorrow (well I'm selling my clothes, so I assume shopping would go along with that) and I've created some collages for inspiration!

The first two collages are Forever 21 products. The last two are composed of Modcloth products.



You're The Nicest Thing I've Ever Seen

I haven't been entirely honest with everyone. I've been struggling with ED behaviors/thoughts and been denying my relapse for about 5 weeks now. I didn't intend to go that far. It started out as "innocent". But I know well that my ED is anything but innocent. I'm trying to withdraw from these behavior before I become too dependent and spiral back into that abyss which I had fallen into before. I admitted my secret to my friends and family and have made my therapy and nutrionist appointments more frequent. I realize I don't want to do this again. I don't want to continue to fight a battle that is impossible to fine. I no longer want to fight the inevitable or who I'm supposed to be. I just want to move on, accept myself, and be happy. I want freedom and self-acceptance. I want to look at myself and feel beautiful and comfortable in my own skin. And that's impossible when I'm abusing my body. No matter how much more "secure" or "confident" I may feel at my ideal weight, I know it's fake. I don't want to live a lie like I did before. It's so easy to get lost but so hard to find your way back.

I wish it was easy to just accept that this is who I am and be done with it. I wish shopping and wearing certain clothes wasn't so hard. I wish I had high self-esteem and I wish I just didn't give a fuck about how people percieve me. But it's not. And I've accepted that. Sometimes I wish I was just a normal teenager. Not concerned with weight, who's diet could be a bit more nutritional, and someone who's never cared about calories or had food judgements. I realize my life would be completely different and that I'd never have this insight on myself as well as the world and I would never have met the people that I met in treatment who have changed my life. But still. I wonder sometimes.

I realize there is an endless list of things I have yet to do, to achieve, and to see. There are so many people I haven't met yet. So many friendships and relationships I haven't expierenced. I've never had a job. I don't have my license yet. I've never been out of the country. I've never been to San Fransico, Paris, New York, Paris, or London. I want to do and accomplish so much. And I have an entire lifespan to do it. Why should I give up now? I'm not even half way there. I'm not even a quarter there! I want to feel every aspect of this world. I want to feel so happy that my limbs feel light and my ribs are about to explode from euphoria. I want to scream to the universe and feel the breath escape from my lungs. I want to love. I want to conquer the world. I want to feel every emotion and travel around the world and I don't care if I don't have anything. I'll sell all my possessions and only carry around a suitcase full of clothes and drive a beat-up VW bus. And when I'm ready to settle down, I'll live in a tiny cottage in the countryside or perhaps a cozy two bedroom apartment. I'm seduced by the promises and expierences that life has to offer.  

I no longer want to just exist. Not when I can see all the opportunities that are right in front of me.