Siren

          I've always been strangely infatuated with the sea. Whenever I’m near it, I experience such a profound feeling of calmness and peace. I love the mysterious aura it has. I guess I love it so much because it’s existence is an ineffable concept to me; it’s enormous mass baffles me. If I were to ever commit suicide (I don’t plan to but I do dwell on the “what ifs” sometimes) I would most likely do it by drowning. That inclination I feel towards the sea would overcome me and I wouldn’t be able to resist it’s seductive lull. If I had to end it all, the most fulfilling way would be to be enveloped by the thing I love most.

          I recently learned that the ocean symbolizes the soul in literature. Why couldn’t I discern that before? It makes sense though. Whenever I’m by the seaside, I feel more in touch with my emotions and self. I wish I had enough time to spend days at the beach just reading and writing and dreaming. Living by the coast in California, beach culture is incredibly prominent. I don’t care for the bleach blonde surfers at all and the casual fashion disgusts me. I don’t like swimming because I don’t think it’s fun to prance around in my swimsuit in a public place. But as I took pictures of Joy while standing in the waves clad in only a dress, it was such a magnificent experience. It was one of those moments where I felt alive and more aware of my body. Those fleeting moments are those that stay with me forever. With everything going on in my life, I sometimes become apathetic and indifferent and so that’s why it’s so thrilling to wad into the ocean while garbed in everyday clothing. 

          I could feel the freezing water splashing around my waist and the slight breeze against my cheek. I heard music in my head. I heard the sound of distant violins and a melancholic piano piece. I heard the seagulls cry and the waves lap against the short. I felt the sand suction my feet. I felt numb from the cold but alive with spirit and adventure. I felt all of this and was still able to laugh at the ridiculousness of the entire situation. As Joy complained about having to lie in the freezing cold water, my lungs vibrated with fits of mirth. It was such a beautiful day, probably one of the most beautiful days of my short life.

These pictures are not of me. They're of my friend Joy. People still think she's me and it's rather irritating considering I've made it a point that it's not me.

I Hear the Sound of Mandolins

          Sometimes if I stare at my reflection long enough, I began to contemplate the strangeness that I am alive with a personality and thoughts and feelings and pain and a background and inclinations and dreams. The more I dwell on it, the stranger and more mysterious the idea becomes. I cannot grasp the human condition. No matter how much awareness and insight I possess on the nature and history of humanity, it will always be an ineffable subject without an explanation. The concept of human nature, purpose, and creation is so vague and elusive that it becomes impossible to ruminate over for long periods of time. I find myself confused yet strangely curious whenever I think of such abstract ideas. 
          These reflections often incite more unanswerable questions about humans as well as myself. Who am I? I feel as if that is a question that is impossible to answer. I realize that I have such a limited understanding of myself because I haven’t experienced every circumstance that exists. Although in the past, I have struggled with addiction and self-destructive tendencies, my pain sometimes seems inadequate in comparison to the suffering of the people who experienced the most horrific, shameful, and abominable events of human history. When I think about the Holocaust, the oppression of people throughout history, slavery, war, genocides, massacres, starvation, and poverty, I experience such a profound feeling of despair, sympathy, and helplessness. It’s such a powerful feeling that all I can do is weep and question the motives of those who have inflicted pain upon other humans who are, and had always been, their equals. This is one of the reasons why I disagree adamantly with war. Every time I watch a movie or read a book about a particular war, I am horrified by the desensitization of people who glorify violence and killing. It’s hard for me to watch people die. I try to imagine myself in a war zone. I would witness people dying before my eyes. I would see mass destruction, suffering, and death. It would absolutely destroy me and transform me into a hollow apathetic shell of my former self.

          Perhaps I am distressed by this concept because I am a person that feels everything so intensely and passionately. I am naturally inclined to see the good in people. In many ways, this is a flaw because I truly believe that everyone possesses an intrinsic goodness; even those who have murdered, plundered, and caused pain to others. It’s difficult for me to accept that the most notorious and horrible people in history did not possess a small sliver of compassion and remorse. There are those who become so consumed with destructive and terrible motives and emotions that they began to disregard the natural human inclination to be kind and sympathetic. I am not justifying the actions of those who have been labeled as “horrible” people. I am offering a new perspective on those that make poor decisions and cause pain. 

          I will never understand it. That strangely offers me solace. For I predict that if I were ever to learn the truth, it might destroy me.

These photos are not mine. Click on them to be linked back to their original source.

If you haven't seen the new issue of Femme, click here!

Femme; Fall 2011

The Fall 2011 issue of Femme has finally been released! I apologize for the long delay. 

The Fall issue has been dubbed the "Vintage Issue"! It features interviews with owners of online vintage shops, a retro makeup tutorial, fashion collages inspired by French beauty Anna Karina and 60's Mod, a plethora of aesthetically pleasing photographs, a movie review, and more! Happy Fall!

Thanks to all those that contributed. If you're interested in your work being in the Winter issue, email FemmeSubmission@gmail.com

Buy it here: http://www.magcloud.com/browse/issue/289543 (If you buy it now, it's on sale!

Lemonade

          I need to drastically alter my mood and perception. Lately, the stress of school and work, the lack of time, and the chaos related to due dates and academic projects has rendered me bitter. I get annoyed easier, I feel pessimistic, stressed, sad, and exhausted. Time is no longer infinite. During the summer, I could not know was day or time it was and feel no anxiety. I haven't even the time to appreciate the beauty of autumn; Halloween is in a week and I feel like I haven't participated enough in the holiday festivities. I feel like I have a weight attached to my ankle and I'm drowning in the depths of the ocean. I just want to sleep. I just want to be able to relax, watch movies, discover new music, write poetry, and go on lovely adventures with friends. That dream is shattered when I consider all my responsibilities and commitments. 
          It is clear to me now what I need to do. In order to alleviate my suffering, I need to reevaluate my current situation and change my mentality. All this negativity and destructive emotions are attracting more stressful and negative situations in my life. Right now, it's hard to judge if I'm happy or not. I experience such frequent mood swings that it's hard to discern my actual feelings.

"You care enough, that you want your life to be fulfilled in a living way, not in a painting way, not in a writing way...you really do want it to be involving in living, corresponding with other living objects, moving, changing, that kind of thing." - Edie Sedgwick

Anjolee Jewelry

          I have never been a materialistic person. Although I love clothes, jewelry and shoes, I buy them because I'm passionate about fashion and not because I get gratification and fulfillment from buying possessions. I also used to really like big, clunky and outrageous jewelry and accessories. I would wear enormous bows and flowers in my hair, don my fingers with blatant rings, and wear big beaded necklaces. As I grow older, I feel my taste has become more sophisticated and subtle. Of course I occasionally will clip a flower in my hair or wear Edie Sedgwick inspired chandelier earrings but it is not as it was before. Now, I find myself drawn to pearl earrings and delicate jewelry that isn't noticeable upon first glance. There's something so enigmatic about small accessories. Only ones who closely examine you can discern the little treasures that embellish your wrist or neck.
          My revelation brings me to Anjolee, a company who sells precious stone and diamond jewelry. I was fortunate enough to receive a tennis bracelet with alternating CZ's and garnets. The bracelet is absolutely stunning. It's amazing how something so small can have such a significant impact on my mood and appearance. I always associated "grown-ups" with expensive and precious jewelry, high heels, and cocktail dresses. And now that I have all of this, I have finally arrived at the point that I have been dreaming of since I was a child.
          I could spend hours on the Anjolee website. There are so many pretty things to look at! They have a variety of items including tennis bracelets, diamond jewelry, engagement rings, earrings, and more. Their jewelry is so soft and delicate and an ideal present for a loved one. I'm almost considering getting my mom a diamond tennis bracelet (Oh, if only I had a job that paid more than minimum wage).
          Anjolee also complies with the Kimberly Act of 2003 which states that diamonds that are going to be sold must be "conflict free" meaning that they cannot acquired through an illegitimate source or from violence. "Blood Diamonds" are common in the warn-torn areas of Africa, where most of the worlds diamonds come from. This information alleviated my anxiety; ever since I saw the 2006 movie Blood Diamond, I realized how this is a serious problem that I need to be aware of.
          I don't believe in owning something if you're just trying to "fit in" or impress someone. Possessions should have meaning and you should buy and own them because you love them. They are for you. That's what I love about Anjolee; they provide personal and meaningful jewelry that reinforces my philosophy.

About Your Funeral

Lately I've been struggling. I'm okay but I'm constantly stressed and pressured by work and school. I'm deprived from sleep because I'm trying to do so many things within a limited time period. The chaos and the turmoil in my life right now has been the reason I haven't been updating my blog. But I promise I'm still here and writing and trying to experience life to it's fullest. Lately I've felt so creative and inspired yet I have no time to express it. Thankfully I have amazing friends who like to pose for the camera. Last weekend was utterly magical. Here are the most recent pictures I've taken.

A lot of you think that I'm the person in the photographs I post. But it's not. This is my friend Joy. Please understand that, it's really annoying when people think it's me.

Dark Undercoat

I invested in a pink wig and this is what I came up with.

Makeup by: Raleigh Hopper

Model: Joy Risk

Photos by: me