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February Adventures

          I walked along the desolate pathway by myself and the only audible sound was the crunching snow under my boots. It was about twenty-seven degrees. The cold penetrated through my thick leopard jacket and my velvet dress with the swooped back. My fingers were practically frozen stiff since I couldn’t take pictures with my gloves on. I didn’t mind. It’s rare to find a place where you could walk for miles and not see a single soul. Although there is probably less than a few hundred people in this area, I wish there weren’t any so I could experience what it’s truly like to be alone with nature. I’ve never felt that way before. People cling on to civilization due to fear of the unknown. Everyone has forgotten that they originated from nature. Perhaps it’s more difficult for my generation to comprehend because we were born in an era where technology already existed. We don’t know any other life. And even though our parents were born during a time when technology existed, there wasn’t as much of it and it wasn’t as accessible.
          I love the era I live in. I feel nostalgic for time periods in the past but mainly for the style and fashion, not for the lifestyle. The 21st century is an incredibly advanced and progressive age and I feel lucky to live in it. However, I don’t want to lead a life controlled by computers and phones. Industrialization has created a warped perception of time and space. Suddenly, there is not enough hours in a day to do all the things one needs to do. There is so little space in the world to place the ever-growing population or to build massive structures. Technology makes the world seem so minute. But it’s not at all. In fact, the world is so vast it’s difficult for humans to even comprehend it because we’re accustomed to seeing fragments of it. 
          I don’t want that kind of life. I don’t want to feel like I don’t have enough time to accomplish all the things I want to. I’ve been told life is short; and maybe it is in comparison to how long Earth has been in existence. Why would I dwell on that? Why would anyone? I want to be positive. I want to embrace my experiences and take full advantage of every second I have in this life. 
          I’ve been in Idaho for three days now. And I’m staying here for another week. The other night, I realized it was a mistake to come because I’m missing out on all of the fun that’s happening at home. I cried myself to sleep while listening to the Lolita soundtrack and drinking Diet Coke. But waking up to the sun illuminating the five feet of snow, I realized that I need to take advantage of this experience. I need to practice radical acceptance in order to overcome the anxiety I’m having from being away from my friends. I need to establish a spiritual connection with nature because I’ve been so alienated by civilization. 
          To pass the time, I’ve been staying up late watching movies, reading poetry and lovely books, going on hikes, taking pictures in the snow, listening to Tchaikovsky and Kate Nash, working on the next issue of Femme, and writing. Here are a bunch of pictures from the lovely month of February. I apologize for their randomness but I haven't been blogging a lot recently and I have so much to share!

On Valentines day I went on a lovely hike in Laguna with Drew.

The Last Goodbye

          Hello February! I don’t know why but this is one of my favorite months. Whenever I think of February, I imagine reds and pinks and whites, lovely flowers on the sides of Parisian cobblestone streets, velvet dresses with hearts cut out of the back, red lipstick, heart-shaped sunglasses, the book Lolita, and fake eyelashes. 

          Lately, I find myself terribly distracted. And strangely, I don’t care. I am too happy to care. Concentrating on anything, especially school, is nearly impossible. I forget to eat (not even intentionally either), to sleep, and I can barely engage in reality. I find my mind wandering off into my whimsical illusions and not even feeling guilty about it. I’ve realized that torturing myself with school and responsibility isn’t beneficial to my health. While it’s important, it’s not worth sacrificing my happiness in order to get perfect grades. Perfection is unattainable, I learned that in recovery. My standards for myself have lowered just because I’ve realized that I can be content without being in control of everything.

          Finals week was oddly stress-free. I got out of school early and I would just spend the entire time going on lovely adventures with friends. They would consist of writing, drawing, drinking Diet Coke, buying miscellaneous treasures like strawberry scented candles and heart shaped lollipops, listening to CocoRosie on vinyl, going to coffee shops, thrift store shopping in Long Beach, walking everywhere, going on night hikes, and watching lovely movies. I don’t want this to end.

          These are pictures I took with my digital camera. Although I prefer film, I'm really happy with how these came out. This is the lovely Margo, who is an incredible model. 

Insight

          I can't believe it's been a month since I last posted. I really have no excuse. Even though I've been busy with school and work and all my other responsibilities, I have purposely avoided posting on here just because I didn't have the energy. I don't want blogging to become a burden to me. I love it and I just need to get back into the habit.

          Although these are from a month ago, here are my adventures in Oregon in picture form. All the pictures of myself are taken by Kalaija and all the pictures of her are taken by me. I've had a lot of camera issues lately so that's why I didn't get to take that many pictures.. my camera broke the day before I left so I took my friend's camera but her battery died. I used one of Kalaija's old cameras and I took sixty pictures on it only to discover that the camera is broken. So none of them came out. I'm still a little upset about that but I realize that I can't do anything about it.. At least Kalaija got good pictures! 

          I've been experimenting with my digital camera just because I was forced to. Although I prefer film, I realize that I can take beautiful pictures with digital. Fortunately, I now have a working film camera so I plan to be taking a lot of pictures. Lately, I've been exploding with creativity. I've been watching films I adore, discovering beautiful new music, going on adventures with my wonderful friends, and writing more. I find myself distracted and unable to concentrate at school because I have so many ideas. I've been day dreaming more and fantasizing about faraway places and the possibilities of the future. Although school is a really big priority for me, I'm beginning to question why I'm torturing myself. I love learning and lately I've been resenting school because of all the stress and pressure that comes along with it. I'm going to art school. Academics aren't as important as artistic skill so I don't know why I've been pushing myself beyond my limits. I'm gradually learning that my grades don't define me, that I shouldn't let my negativity consume me, that I am deserving of happiness, and that I need to focus on art more because it brings so much joy into my life.